Saturday, January 25, 2014

Spinning

I started this year trying to be really positive... lots of plans and ideas for what I want to do in 2014. Instead, I find my life is getting increasingly out of control. My house is a disaster (at least to me) and the holiday 5 pound weight gain has turned into New Year 10. My disgust with myself culminated on Thursday after Bible study when I found I had mindlessly eaten 5 doughnuts while watching a TV show. (It was my table's turn to bring treats and instead of baking something like I usually do I bought doughnuts, bringing home the leftovers.) Unbelievable!! I know better than this!

I'm sure it has to do with all the junk that happened in 2013. That was a horrible year from start to finish! John says he feels like the stress is coming off in layers. You relax a bit at a time and each time are shocked at how stressed you were before. That has to be true because nothing else can explain fistfuls of chocolate chips, obsessive baking, and bouts of laziness when what I really want is to be healthy and productive. Making me feel worse is that I constantly have that verse in my head where Paul says I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I do want to do. (Of course I can't remember the reference.) That's the problem with memorizing scripture, it's always right there in your brain for the Holy Spirit to convict you with. 

The hardest daily stuff is the loss of Daisy, Ichabod, and Cameron and the uncertainty of being able to adopt baby D. I can't even describe how much I miss those three. My first dog who was truly all mine, the cat who shared the first 11 years of our marriage, and our first child. I knew that we would eventually lose the animals. Every pet owner knows that before they choose to bring the pet home, it's just part of the deal. Yet we do it anyway because it is so worth it and we choose not to think about the inevitable loss. The anger and frustration with the state over Cameron's situation has lasted longer than I anticipated, if I ever actually thought about it. It comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I am shocked that he isn't here...toddling around, banging things, and waking up the baby. Knowing that he is safe and in a good home helps so much, but it doesn't make up for the fact that I want him here with us. I wonder if that will ever go away completely? What happened there has made me very cautious and skeptical of a successful outcome in this situation.

It's not all bad. My house is relatively clean and I keep up on the mold streaks in the toilet and vacuuming the dog hair off the floor. I have a salad everyday and a piece of fruit. I lead a table at our women's Bible study and sing in the Seattle Symphony Chorale. It all just seems so puny and half-hearted. Like going through the motions instead of actually living. Something is definitely missing, I just can't figure it out.

Maybe the real issue is learning to deal with how out of control we actually are. Life in this country, generally, gives us the illusion that our lives are our own to do with as we like. That is true to an extent and thank goodness for that freedom. However, being a Christian starts with giving up that idea, giving ourselves up to Christ's will for our life, and letting God shape us through experiences and events that we would never choose for ourselves. I think I just answered my own question...

So, in an effort to get out of this pit, I've rejoined FlyLady to help me get my house back in order and put myself back on Weight Watchers to get myself back under control. More importantly, I am reading a daily devotional by Charles Spurgeon and studying Isaiah with the ladies at my church.

Today my sink is shining.

4 comments:

  1. You are an amazingly wonderful woman and I am so proud to call you my daughter.

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  2. With regard to the house being out-of-order, I think that comes hand-in-hand with being a parent. We are all entitled to be "spinning" at some point- it's actually normal and with everything you have been through, I'm surprised you haven;t "spun" before! I doubt you will ever feel as though you didn't wish Cameron was with you. Getting updates on him will make it hard as well, but He is a part of your heart and he should stay there where he belongs. I do believe it will get easier with MUCH time and different circumstances. Keep up the hard work, the praying, the "doing little things for you".

    -Kaytee

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