I have been meaning to write this post for a while but every time I thought about it I just couldn't do it. It sends me to tears which is very annoying for me. (I know, it's healthy and normal.) I'm just so sick of crying.
It's three weeks today since we said goodbye to our boy. I don't know how I expected to feel. It feels like a death even though he is quite alive. We have known since the court date on Valentine's Day that he was going to leave us. It seemed surreal, though, until his aunt and uncle came to get him.
We honestly could not have asked for better people to take him. If anyone had to I am glad it is them. The transition was as smooth as possible. They spent five days with us, one night at our house, while the baby got used to them and being taken care of by them. He was clearly confused when we left him for the last time at the hotel. He was a trooper, not crying or getting visibly upset, though he was clinging to both of us. They said he was the perfect baby on the flights home and charmed everyone. I would expect nothing less of him and those of you who know him I'm sure are not surprised.
We have Skyped with them twice since he left which is extremely difficult, but also good and helpful. He still remembers us and gets excited when he sees us. He seems to be settling in and is especially interested in following his new big brother (actually cousin) around. We have to cut it short when he gets upset because he can't climb through the screen to get to us. We are still trying to decide if going out to visit him is a good idea. We want him to know that we love him but are afraid that he will think we have come to get him and we will have to go through that horrible separation all over again.
These are some of our favorite pictures of him that don't show his face. Since he is still in foster care we have to continue to be careful about the identity protection policies.
We aren't sure what the future holds for us with regard to other children. It seems certain that we will not do foster to adopt again because of everything that happened surrounding us getting him, thinking we would keep him, but ultimately leaving. For now we are moving through each day one at a time and looking ahead to better times.
